Norm Coleman’s Remarks Prove We Can’t Trust Mitt Romney To Repeal Obamacare, Unless… or Finally, A Real Test Of Romney’s Conservative Bona Fides

Finally, we have reached the turning point of Mitt Romney’s quest to become the Republican nominee for President of the United States of America.

His actions over the next twenty-four hours will tell us whether his campaign should go on or whether he should simply pack up and go home.

Mitt Romney has been presented with the perfect opportunity to show himself to be the rock-ribbed, decisive conservative that he claims to be, or prove himself once and for all to be the weak, flippy-floppy, Democrat-leaning pushover that his record as Governor of Massachusetts suggests.

Top Advisor to the Romney campaign, ex-Senator Norm Coleman has publicly stated that ObamaCare won’t ever be repealed “in its entirety,” and that “you can’t whole cloth throw it out.”

This is particularly important because Coleman is said to be Romney’s choice to run the Department of Health and Human Services as well as a friend.

Ed Morrissey has a good write up on this over at Hot Air. Go read it all.

The Romney campaign has responded to Coleman’s deep betrayal of Republican voters and, one would think, Romney himself thusly:

that while the candidate respects Coleman, he disagrees with this assessment, according to Ramesh Ponnoru.

Wow, you’d think from that bloodless response that Coleman disagreed with Romney over whether red M&Ms or green M&Ms were tastier not the key issue in the upcoming election.

Not only is Coleman saying that Obamacare won’t be repealed in its entirety, he’s suggesting that it shouldn’t be repealed at all.

And this is the guy with the inside track as Romney’s head of Health and Human Services.

Let me cut to the chase here: the proper response to this outrageous breach of faith with the Republican voter and Romney himself is to publicly fire Norm Coleman from the Romney campaign.

Not to politely disagree with Norm Coleman.

Not suspend him from the campaign.

The proper reaction is to Fire Him Now.

And the firing needs to be done in public or at least publicly announced by Mitt Romney himself with the assurance that Coleman will absolutely not serve in any capacity at all in an upcoming Romney administration.

The repeal of Obamacare will require a real heart-felt, hard-nosed fight from Republicans. They must be willing to use all means fair and foul to do so- up to and including the temporary repeal of the filibuster to get it done.

The reason for the continuing softness of Republican support for Mitt Romney has to do with whether or not he has the guts to take on a hard fight and make the hard choices to get our country back on track.

Many of us believe when it comes down to a choice between carrying out the wishes of the Republican base or catering to the demands of cronies and rent-seekers like ex-Senator Coleman that Romney will choose the easy path of half-measures that leave policies like Obamacare in place with taxpayer money going now to Republican cronies instead of Democrats.

This is unacceptable and will lead to the death of the Republican Party. If the middle class, if those of us who work-hard and play by the rules are going to keep having our freedom and income stolen to be given to another set of rent-seekers and cronies, why vote Republican?

And more to the point, why nominate Mitt Romney to be our standard bearer?

Romney now has the chance to prove his conservative bona fides and political toughness.

He can fire Norm Coleman now. Do it publicly. And publicly assure the Republican base that not only will Norm Coleman not Head the HHS, Norm Coleman will have no place or position in a Romney administration.

Or he can prove himself to be what many of us fear- a weak, watery, Democrat-leaning blancmange of a man.

The choice is yours Governor Romney.

And the clock is ticking.

The Undeniable Star Power of Newt Gingrich

There’s a saying that “Politics is show business for ugly people” which more than anything else explains this year’s Republican primary season and the ascension of Newt Gingrich as a major contender.

Think of the series of primary debates as a series of nights at the movies. And think of each of these movies as ensemble pieces like New Year’s Eve but with more viewers, or Pulp Fiction but with less squeaker-rape (unless you count John King) starring four major actors.

Now, of the four, who is it that you truly anticipate seeing? Who do you absolutely know is going to light up the screen and steal the show? Who’s going to take some tired-out, MSM agenda-driven scene in a wholly unexpected, but logical direction with a little improvisational brilliance?

Be honest.

Are you beside yourself waiting for Mitt to start a-buh-buh-booing his way through another rote version of Paper Moon?

Are you just itching for another dose of Ron Paul’s hit or miss performance art antics?

I know! Perhaps, you’re on pins and needles waiting for peevish comedian, Rick Santorum, to get all hot under the collar about something.

No?

C’mon, it’s okay to admit it. Regardless of how you’d like this movie to end. The guy you’re waiting to see perform isn’t the most handsome. He isn’t the tallest, heck, let’s be honest, he’s old and fat, and you don’t agree with some of the stuff in his personal life.

Still, he’s the guy you most want to see strut his stuff.

Why?

Because he’s the only guy up there with real star power, with real stage presence, the only guy up there with vim and verve and the guts to fight. And to your surprise, that guy is- Newt Gingrich.

Still, why the surprise?

Well, because Newt’s not really anybody’s vision of a political superstar.

But, you see, his is the star power of Old School Hollywood. The star power of short, pugnacious, not-particularly good-looking guys like Humphrey Bogart or more to the point, James Cagney.

Some like the Edward Everett Horton-ish George HW Bush are shocked by Newt’s energetic pursuit of principled conservative policy goals and muscular intellectualism. Because it’s simply not done, old boy. They respond to Newt by calling him a “bomb-thrower”.

The rest of us see the exact same performance and think as Will Rodgers once said of James Cagney’s acting style-

“Every time I see him work, it looks to me like a bunch of firecrackers going off all at once.”

That is, we see someone exciting and dynamic. We see a fighter who knows what he wants and is not afraid to go after it, who is not afraid to clearly and cleanly espouse conservative principles.

What a relief that is after the politically somnambulant George W Bush and pinky-crooking, tea-sipping, butter-wouldn’t-melt-in-my-mouth-but-you-my-supporters-all-suck cowardice of John McCain. Not to mention the supine lack of response by the GOP to the creepy character assassination of Sarah Palin and her family by the MSM.

But, naturalfake, naturalfake, you say, Newt Gingrich has been divorced twice. That’s two times! He’s a womanizing womanizer who likes womanize women’s lady-parts! And, and wife numero dos, Marianne Gingrich, said some bad stuff about him!

Eh, look, it takes two to make a failed marriage. Plus, after Marrianne revealed herself as an unsupportive, back-stabbing, egotistical bitch in my opinion, I don’t have a lot of sympathy for her. Because she may have always been like that.

In fact, I’m pretty sure this home video from the last days of Newt’s marriage to Marianne completely vindicates my view of this particular situation:

Or not.

But hey, you have to like the quick-minded assessment and decisive action.

Because that’s what Newt will bring to the Oval Office when dealing with America’s enemies, whether Russian diplomats, two-faced Pakistanis, or Democrat Senators.

Sure, he’ll wheel and deal but he’s not afraid to butt heads and he’ll never lose sight of America’s interests.

Like so:

But, let us suppose the worst, gentle reader. Let’s suppose all of your fears of an unreconstructed, womanizing Newt Gingrich in the White House come true.

How would that shake out?

Probably something like this:

I’m not quite seeing the problem though. Yeah, the little woman has taken a hike, but Newt’s still hard at work on his agenda for America.

So, let’s take this little nightmare scenario of your’s even farther.

Newt’s womanizing turns the White House into the Playboy Mansion East:

Okay, still not seeing the problem. Despite the obvious charms of the hottie, Newt’s still pursuing his conservative agenda with some hard-nosed wheeling and dealing.

This is the true significance of Newt Gingrich’s star power for the Republican voter.

To repeal Obamacare, to get this country back on track and running again, will require a fighter. Someone who can give as good as he gets. Because whoever the next Republican Presidential candidate is is going to get a lot from the slavishly Obama-devoted MSM and dirty-tricks division of the Democrat party.

We’ll need someone who can roll with the punches and keep coming back.

Do you see Romney doing that? Or Paul? Or Santorum?

It’s easy to see Newt in that role.

That’s why, it’s so important that we not let his star qualities blind us until we know his exact views on a whole range of policies- especially energy and global warming.

Rejection of all global warming policy along with a rapid expansion of oil, gas, coal, and nuclear power will be the key to reversing Obama’s willful destruction of our economy and purposeful elimination of good paying jobs (see Keystone XL and the Gulf Coast).

So, while it’s easy to see Newt in the role of President of the United States of America, we need to know exactly how he plans to play that role.

Is Mitt Romney The Harriet Miers Of Potential Republican Presidential Nominees?

Remember Harriet Miers?

She was announced as President George W Bush’s nominee for Supreme Court Justice in October of 2005.

This announcement was initially greeted with a universal chorus of “meh”. Just as Mitt Romney’s initial announcement to run in the Republican Presidential Primary was greeted almost universally with “so?”.

This ambivalence toward Harriet Miers soon turned to hardened opposition by Conservatives once her history became readily available. Not because she wasn’t a lovely person, etc. but because she was someone unlikely to advance Conservative principles once in office.

Opposition to Mitt Romney’s nomination comes from Conservatives concerned that Romney’s record as Governor of Massachusetts exemplifies that of a liberal Democrat and little else. Granted Conservative opposition to Harriet Miers was conducted in a much smarter and more coordinated manner than Conservative opposition to Romney during the current cycle of primaries, still the opposition is there.

Further, we were told that the Miers nomination was inevitable due to the fact that President George W Bush absolutely was not going to change his mind so we’d better get in line and not hobble future Supreme Court Justice Harriet Miers. Sounds like a similar argument made for a certain ex-Governor of Massachusetts, doesn’t it?

But wait, we’re not talking about rulings by Supreme Court Justice Harriet Miers because there is no supreme Court Justice Harriet Miers. How did that happen if she was inevitable?

Below are a few quotes taken from here during the time before the Harriet Miers nomination had been blocked by strong, smart, coordinated, and principled action by Conservative Republicans.

These quotes come from various Conservatives, politicians, pundits, and bloggers. Some of whom today support the nomination of Mitt Romney.

Please read them all and please feel free to substitute the name “Mitt Romney” for “Harriet Miers”.

See if they don’t give you a dread feeling of deja miers with regard to Mitt Romney’s nomination:

“I worked with Harriet Miers. She’s a lovely person: intelligent, honest, capable, loyal, discreet, dedicated … I could pile on the praise all morning. But there is no reason at all to believe either that she is a legal conservative or–and more importantly–that she has the spine and steel necessary to resist the pressures that constantly bend the American legal system toward the left. This is a chance that may never occur again: a decisive vacancy on the court, a conservative president, a 55-seat Republican majority, a large bench of brilliant and superbly credentialed conservative jurists … and what has been done with the opportunity?

I am not saying that Harriet Miers is not a legal conservative. I am not saying that she is not steely. I am saying only that there is no good reason to believe either of these things. Not even her closest associates on the job have good reason to believe either of these things. In other words, we are being asked by this president to take this appointment purely on trust, without any independent reason to support it. And that is not a request conservatives can safely grant.” — David Frum

“The fact of the matter is, for over 20 years of her being involved in the law, she has not written one word, said one word, given a speech, written a letter to the editor on any of the key constitutional issues that conservatives care about and are worried about and want to make sure the court does not go down the road on. [Bush] said he knows her. Lots of people have come forward this week that know her, and a number of them have said I can’t label her a conservative, a liberal or a moderate. — Gary Bauer

“With a single stroke–the nomination of Harriet Miers–the president has damaged the prospects for reform of a left-leaning and imperialistic Supreme Court, taken the heart out of a rising generation of constitutional scholars, and widened the fissures within the conservative movement. That’s not a bad day’s work–for liberals.” — Robert Bork

“Apparently no one stepped forward to warn the president what a monumentally bad idea he’d come up with when he selected Miers over dozens of other, better-qualified candidates….There is no one in the White House who has the nerve to tell the president that he should be worried when Democratic Sen. Harry Reid is more enthusiastic about his nominee than the editors of National Review.” — Linda Chavez

“Conventional wisdom still has it that Miers is a shoo-in for confirmation. We’re not so sure. From what we saw last night, the right is furious at President Bush for appointing someone they see as manifestly underqualified and for ducking a fight with the Democratic left–a fight that, in their view (and ours), would be good for the country, the conservative cause and the Republican Party. Bush may be getting a fight anyway. And while he can laugh off the Angry Left, which would never support him no matter what he did, the Angry Right is a force he’d be a fool to misunderestimate.” — James Taranto

“It is not important that she be confirmed because there is no evidence that she is among the leading lights of American jurisprudence, or that she possesses talents commensurate with the Supreme Court’s tasks. The president’s “argument” for her amounts to: Trust me. There is no reason to, for several reasons.” — George Will

“At the very moment that conservatives have begun to conclude that their bets on Mr. Bush are no longer paying off, Mr. Bush has asked them to double down. That request has even pro-Miers conservatives feeling disillusioned, and other conservatives feeling betrayed. That’s what’s dividing conservatives – and it’s why they’re thinking more and more about life after President Bush.” — Ramesh Ponnuru

“Was it for this, Mr. President? Was it for this that so many Americans made so many sacrifices, worked so hard, gave up family time, made life-changing decisions, took pains? Was it for this that so many prepared the way for so many years? Was it for this we gave you and 55 senators a mandate? For a Supreme Court nomination as unprincipled in its nature as this?” — Manuel Miranda

“I just wait for the choice to be made, and it just seems to me that at the outset here that this is a pick that was made from weakness. There was an opportunity here to show strength and confidence, and I don’t think this is it. There are plenty of known quantities out there who would be superb for the court. This is a nominee that we don’t know anything about, a nominee purposely chosen in one context, we don’t know anything about her. It makes her less of a target but it also does not show a position of strength.” — Rush Limbaugh

“What, exactly, would be the downside of her defeat? It would be a plus for the country, for conservatism, for the Republican Party, and even the administration could emerge stronger by issuing a mea culpa and nominating somebody we might actually want to support (along the lines of a customer becoming more loyal because of a problem that was successfully solved.)” — Mark Krikorian

So, what is the answer to the question, Is Mitt Romney the Harriet Miers of potential Republican Presidential Nominees?

The answer is-

Yes. Yes, he is.

The difference between stopping the Miers nomination and stopping the Mitt nomination is that in Miers’ case Conservative opposition was intelligently and narrowly directed. Thus, far opposition to Romney has been diffuse and scatter-shot, a reflection of the nature of primaries with several potential candidates.

That means that Conservative Republicans must coalesce around one or at the most two alternative candidates to Romney. And, of course, must work for and contribute money to that candidate.

The choice is simple enough we can nominate a Conservative with a Conservative record of accomplishment or we can nominate Harriet Miers.

Which would you prefer?

AFTERWARD:

As in these sorts of posts, the inevitable question comes up: Well, naturalfake, who do you support?

I’ve made no secret of the fact that I like Perry first and Newt second because they both have tangible records of conservative action. Third, would be Santorum or Romney who I consider roughly equivalent.

However, both Perry and Newt have really shot themselves in the foot over this Bain thang. As argued in this post, the only reason to support Romney is his time at Bain. There are ways to go after Romney from the right over Bain but these attacks from the left are stupid.

I understand, you attack your opponent’s greatest strength, still…

Well, look, Governor Perry and Speaker Gingrich there is a clear, very simple way forward for both of you. It’s different in each case but it’s still there if you hurry.

Your so-called experts are failing you.

Think about your actual tangible Conservative records and think about Reagan.

Now go forward and save us from Harriet Miers 2: Electric Mittens.

And if you can’t figure it out, call me.

UPDATE: Slight edit for clarity.

Mitty Mouse Wants To Run On Willard the Wolf’s Record or Government Mouse VS The Wolf of Wall Street

The problem with Mitt Romney is that he’s bi.

Bi-lycanthropic, that is.

When in the private sector, he transforms into Willard the Wolf of Wall Street, a lean mean creative destruction of capitalism machine.

His time and record of accomplishment at Bain prove that Willard the Wolf knows how to properly assess the value of a variety of businesses. He knows where to cut the fat and when to leave the muscle. He knows which assets are profitable and which make sense as a part of the corporation and which should be sold off.

Willard the Wolf of Wall Street has no problem closing unprofitable departments and firing unnecessary workers to make a company better and more competitive.

And the proof of his success is the vast amount of wealth which Willard the Wolf of Wall Street’s expertise has brought Mitt Romney.

Make no mistake, this is a good thing. The creative destruction of American capitalism has made us the greatest and wealthiest nation on Earth. Everyone benefits in the end.

The ability to size up a company, the ability to cut away unnecessary fat and leave a lean, highly competitive entity is a rare skill, indeed. And one that is especially needed once a new President takes office in 2013.

Barack Obama’s “gorge the beast” strategy has left the federal government a vast, bloated, gobbling, greedy hog ready for the carving knife.

Heck, forget carving knife. This beast is ready for the meat axe.

Looking at Willard the Wolf of Wall Street’s record, Mitt Romney would seem to be the man of the hour.

Except-

Except, except , except-

Whenever Mitt Romney enters the public sector, he instantly transforms into Mitty Mouse.

That’s right. That daring, decisive, analytical brainiac- Willard the Wolf of Wall Street -shrinks, shrivels, and transmogrifies into an itty-bitty, teeny-weeny, yellow squeaking mouse. A mouse who’s works and goals are defined by Democrat Fat Cats.

Mitty Mouse amongst the Democrat Fat Cats

As Governor of Massachusetts, Mitty Mouse’s “triumphs” can only be described as Democrat victories.

Romneycare, which served as the blueprint for Obamacare, expanded the scope and reach of government, took and is currently taking evermore more of the tax paying Massachusoid’s disposable income, reduced the scope of care, stole freedom of choice from the citizens of Massachusetts, expanded the numbers of non-productive bureaucrats, and suddenly made whatever the individuals of Massachusetts choose to eat, drink, wear, drive, etc a concern of government bureaucrats.

Hardly, a triumph of conservative Republican principles. But, certainly a victory for Democrat Fat Cats and an excellent opportunity for them to fill the pockets of themselves and their cronies with graft abetted and aided by timid Mitty Mouse.

If Willard the Wolf of Wall Street had been presented with a plan like Romneycare, he would’ve howled with laughter. Then gotten busy reducing the cost of healthcare by reducing regulations, cutting unnecessary bureaucrats and taxes, increasing competition, allowing a variety of plans, and in general putting the free market to work.

Mitty Mouse? Romneycare seemed like a great idea to him…and tellingly, still does.

When Mitt Romney attempted to balance the state budget, you might be forgiven for thinking that here, at last, would Willard the Wolf of Wall Street finally show his teeth.

But sadly, no.

Sure, Mitty Mouse nibbled around the edges of government here and there but mostly he relied on large increases in fees and taxes.

Once again, Mitty Mouse chose to take money and freedom from the hard-working taxpayers of Massachusetts and give it to Democrat Fat Cats and their cronies.

So, now Mitt Romney is running for President of the United States of America.

Not surprisingly, he’s running on the record of Willard the Wolf of Wall Street and not the record of Mitty Mouse. Mitt Romney says he knows how to create jobs because he worked in the private sector, which is true.

The problem is, who’s going to show up on Inauguration Day?

Willard the Wolf of Wall Street or Mitty Mouse?

If history is any indicator, we’re in for 4-8 years of Mitty Mouse cowering before Democrat Fat Cats.

But, naturalfake, naturalfake, I hear you say, Mitt’s got a 59 point plan for when he’s President!

It’s a plan!

With 59 points!

Well, look, the number of points doesn’t impress me very much because Point #53 might just be to Eat a Peanut Butter and Baloney Sandwich the Second Tuesday of Every Month.

So, there’s that.

But, more to the point (heh!), as Ace explains in this post, a President usually only gets 3 or 4 major policy objectives accomplished during his first term. Which 3 or 4 points of the 59 are Romeny’s do or die priorities? Which 3 or 4 are his line in the sand?

He doesn’t tell us.

Further, while some of the points are pretty good, most are pure Mitty Mouse. Either too timid or filled with ambiguity and nebulous goals, ie. plenty of wiggle room.

Read them all at Mitt’s website to see for yourself, but here are a couple of examples.

Reduce federal workforce by 10 percent via attrition:

Attrition means retirement.

Mitty Mouse’s plan is to wait around until 10% of the federal workforce decides to retire.

Awesome! Maybe in 8 years or so that goal will be realized.

Willard the Wolf of Wall Street would recognize that the bulk of federal jobs simply involve money
transfer and paper shuffling. He would see a vast bureaucracy where the amount of productive work approaches zero, a vast bureaucracy inhabited by clerks, accountants, and low to middle level management- EXACTLY the group of people who have been replaced in the private sector by the computer.

Washington is still working on the 1850s model- the hand-to-hand-to-hand-to-hand, middle man-to-middle man-to-middle man model. It’s a wonder they aren’t still using ink wells and feathered quills.

A 50% cut in manpower for all federal agencies except the military could be be easily achieved. Along with pay, benefit, and grade cuts for those who remain.

Also, there is a vast number of agencies who’s functions are duplicated at the state level, the EPA is one of these, as is Education. These agencies can be either eliminated completely or significantly downsized and the power returned to the states under the 10th Amendment.

Further, there are federal agencies who have drifted so far from their mission that they actually damage the areas which they are supposed to encourage. Examples? Energy and Education.

And finally, there are plenty of federal jobs which can be done more cheaply by contracting to various private companies.

Willard the Wolf of Wall Street would also recognize that each and every Obama hire over the last four years represents a “poison pill” for any changes and plans President Romney wishes to pursue and would fire them instantly. He would also fire the entire management level of any department which seems to be working against the interests of the American people or the creation of jobs.

A plan of a 10% reduction in the federal workforce through retirement is intolerably timid and laughably weak.

Mitty Mouse is not worthy of the Presidency. However, a man with the strength to make the hard choices and cut jobs when necessary is, particularly at this time in our country’s history. That’s why I feel the Bain-centric attacks on Romney by Newt and Perry are way off base.

Cutting government’s power, cutting government spending, cutting government regulations all mean cutting government jobs. Newt and Perry(whom I both like by the way) are cutting their own throats if they make the issue of job cutting poisonous. Any Republican who wins will by necessity need to fire and demote government workers. Plain and simple.

Cap federal spending at 20 percent of GDP

Rick Perry believes he can cap federal spending at 18% and cut $5 trillion out of the federal budget over a period of 4 years. Seeing how Obama will have added about $6 trillion onto the budget by stealing money from the American taxpayer and giving it to cronies and unions that seems to be the least amount of cutting which should be attempted.

Willard the Wolf of Wall Street would scoff at Mitty Mouse’s timid 20% of GDP cap.
…

So, what to make of Mitt Romney and his bi-lycanthropism?

I believe it points to a man without an ideological center. A man who is restricted by the “old boy’s book of rules” whatever they are and wherever they’re made.

Further, he is a man who needs a “reward”, a brass ring, a trophy to show that he has accomplished something.

At Bain, his brass ring was simply a vast amounts of money he made. The money proved his success in the world of business.

As Governor of Massachusetts, his trophy was Romneycare. Romneycare represents a tangible “getting to Yes” and monument to Mitty Mouse’s time in the public sector.

That’s why Mitt Romney absolutely cannot disown Romneycare. There’s no way Mitty Mouse is giving away his lump of achievement cheese.

What does this all mean?

Well, it basically means that Mitt Romney would be an excellent Vice-President.

Any Republican President would be foolish not to use the talents of Willard the Wolf of Wall Street to cut the reach and scope of government. Simply set the goal and let him loose.

The trophy in this case for Mitt Romney would be a clear and unobstructed shot at the Presidency by proving his bona fides to the Conservative base by clear decisive Conservative action.

Because Willard the Wolf deserves to be President.

Should we be forced to run with Romney as the Republican Presidential candidate it will be very important to win as many seats in the House and Senate as possible for Conservatives.

Because, Mitty Mouse will definitely need to be kept away from the cheese laid out by Democrat Fat Cats.

Lastly, this is why Ronald Reagan was not just great President but a great man: he didn’t need a trophy.

He was happy to restore power and choice to the American people. He made the federal government as insignificant to our lives and the economic recovery as he possibly could.

Reagan didn’t worry whether some huge government program bore his name ala FDR or LBJ.

This is why Obama has been such a failure and revealed himself to be such a small man.

He too, must have a trophy. This is why he pushed so hard for Obamacare despite the damage it would do the economy.

The next President needs to be a man of accomplishment, a man comfortable enough with himself to worry about the future of this country first rather than how many big government programs he can father.

Willard the Wolf of Wall Street has it in him to be a great man as well as a great President.

Mitty Mouse, never.

UPDATE: Well, it’s always good to have your analysis confirmed by an expert no less than Newt Gingrich.

Here’s a monologue from Rush’s show today bemoaning the fact that Gingrich is attacking Bain and the principles of capitalism in a kamikaze attack to take out Romney.

See? Newt is going after Romney’s greatest strength. His Willard the Wolf persona in the private sector.

Notice that Newt’s not particularly going after Mitty Mouse’s record because it’s a mind-numbingly obvious failure for those of us on the right. No Republican is going to vote for Mitt Romney because of his “accomplishments” while Governor of Massachusetts.

As I’ve said above, I’m very disappointed in both Gingrich and Perry for choosing this line of attack. But, Romney brought it on himself with his scorched earth attacks on both Gingrich and Perry. So, turnabout’s fair play.

However, this represents a great opportunity for Romney to practice for the campaign in the Fall should he be the nominee.

He needs to embrace Willard the Wolf of Wall Street.

If Romney can’t make a case for his time at Bain, if he can’t contrast the looting of the American people by Obama and the giving of the taxpayers money to a microscopically small number of Democrat cronies and fat cats with the creative destruction of capitalism, well…

He might as well drop out now.

Barack Headroom: Uploaded, Now Virtual President Obama Debuts At Iowa Caucus

White House staffers have been in a state of constant euphoria since the successful debut, at the Iowa Caucuses two nights ago, of the newly uploaded and now completely virtual President of the United States of America, Barack Obama.

You read that correctly. President Obama no longer inhabits this fleshy plane with the rest of us. He has had his personality, his intellect, all that he was uploaded into cyberspace.

Barack Obama now exists as an immortal digital being of the internet.

Our First Digitally Uploaded President Barack Obama

Uh-uh-unprecedented!

As Dr Tomlikinson von Hartley-Klumf, head of the neurological team which oversaw the Obama Digital Upload, explains:

“The Upload was accomplished during the President’s Hawaiian vacation. We had a Cray Supercomputer flown out and readied to accept President Obama’s “soul” if you will.

“But as it turns out we were able to upload the entirety of Obama’s intellect, his knowledge, his memories, his sense of humor and personality into a used Commodore 64 with plenty of room left over for the game, Paradroid.”

If you were one of the lucky few Progressives to catch our newly Uploaded President’s debut on video at the Democrat Iowa Caucus, you probably couldn’t tell the difference at all between the flesh and blood Obama and his new digital manifestation:

“We’ve completely conquered the “Uncanny Valley”.” explains Dr Sun Fong-Canoe, head of Presidential Avatar Construction and Presentation, “86.295% of the Iowa audience found President Obama to look like a human….a human that had been dipped in thick luxurious caramel, uhm, like an apple. But, recognizably human nonetheless.

“And who doesn’t like a nice caramel apple. Or yummy, yummy caramel-coated President for that matter. We’ve come a long way since the early digital uploading experiments of the 1980s.”

Who looks more natural, 1980s Max Headroom or the newly uploaded, fully digital President Barack Hussein Obama? You decide.

But with all his many accomplishments to run on, why did President Obama choose to upload now, just as his 2012 Presidential Campaign is starting to roll out?

Obama 2012 mastermind, David Axelrod explains:

“We expect a tough campaign in 2012 and the President needs to be out there bringing his message to the people 24/7. The digital upload was a natural solution.

“Plus, to be honest with you, the constant golfing was bad optics.

Now, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week you can tune into the White House website and see the President of the United States of America taking on the number one problem facing this country today- hordes of evil 1% giant mutant bankers trying to steal the people’s money from President Obama at the White House:

But is David Axelrod worried that the President’s digital conversion has somehow adversely affected Barack Obama’s personality or his warm, loving regard for the American people?

“Not at all.” says Mr Axelrod “The President himself has told me that he plans to continue his fight for the working men and women of the great land of ours. That he plans on using this campaign to defeat the greatest problems facing the American people:

Number one: evil 1% giant mutant bankers trying to steal the people’s money from the White House.
Number two: cyborg-enhanced Tyrannosaurus Rexes
Number three: flame-headed zombies
Number four: sword-wielding valkyries with giant breasts
The President has vowed tha-”

Wait a minute. Wait. What…evil mutant bankers, tyrannosaurus rexes…zombies?

“That’s right, and big-breasted valkyries. The President has vowed to eliminate all of these problems facing the American people…You got a problem with that?”

No…no. It’s just-

“Look, you’re a journalist, aren’t you? You subscribe to Journolist ethics, don’t you?”

Of course…but, I mean-

“Then get with the program. You know how this works.”

Fine….I can probably do something positive with the zombie thing….

Okay…Oh! What about the President’s body? I guess it’s frozen, huh? In case he wants to come back.

“Umm, that’s where we hit a bit of a snafu…

“The President wanted to stress his commitment to Green Energy by having his body recycled into bio-diesel.”

That’s quite noble of him.

“Yes, well, the damn biodiesel recycling plant went bankrupt before they finished. We gave the sonsabitches $38 billion dollars in free loans. You’d think they coulda stayed open for another 24 hours.

Anyway…the Presidential sludge wound up at the Lady Barkley’s All Natural 100% Recycled Dog Chow factory.”

Yikes.

“Yeah…the less said about that clusterfuck the better. Journolist ethics, right?

“In any event, we bought that whole batch number of that chow. In case Barack wishes to walk among us once more. I’ve got top men working on reconstituting the President’s body.”

Wow, they must be scientific geniuses. Who’s working on that?

“I said….TOP MEN!!!”

.
UPDATE: Slight edit for clarity.

HAT TIP: Instapundit

Brave Mitt Romney

Bravely bold Mitt Romney
Campaigned for President
He was not afraid to debate,
Oh brave Mitt Romney.
He was not at all afraid
To debate Newt Gingrich one on one.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Mitt Romney.

He was not in the least bit scared
To be roasted by Newt.
Or have his brains kicked in,
And his policies questioned.
And Romneycare mocked,
His flip-flops dissected,
And his excuses all hacked and mangled
Brave Mitt Romney.

His hair mussed up
And his face turned red
And his hands flopped about
And his bowels unplugged
As Mitt tried explain
That Romneycare
Is really different than Obamac—

MITT!: “That’s… that’s enough music for now lads,
There’s mud to be thrown….by you. And competitors to be smeared….by you.
Not me. I have nothing to do with that at all.”

Brave Mitt Romney ran away.
“No!”
Bravely ran away away.
“I didn’t!”
When a tough debate reared it’s ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
“No!!!”
Yes, brave Mitt Romney turned about
“I didn’t!”
And gallantly he chickened out.

Bravely refusing to debate one on one,
“I never did!”
He gulped and sweats and run, run, runs
“All lies!”
Bravest of the braaaave, Mitt Romney!
“I never”

An-n-n-n-nd here’s the original:

Exit question: Who’s the Killer Rabbit in this primary cycle?

EXCLUSIVE!!! Secret Video Reveals Chevy’s New 2012 Green Replacement For Volt

As a life-long Chevy lover on the verge of buying a new Volt, I was sad to learn that the Obama-inspired Green car has been causing more fires than Doolittle’s Raid on Tokyo.

Rush Hour in Volt Heavy San Francisco

Fortunately for all of us ecologically minded Chevrolet fans, General Motors has been hard at work on the Volt’s replacement.

Codenamed the Splurge, it is due to hit Chevy showrooms this Summer 2012. The Splurge is said to use a unique eco-drive system which completely eliminates the danger of fires!

naturalfake has obtained an EXCLUSIVE!!! secret video of the final test drive for the Splurge taken right before it went into general production.

Let’s take a look:

I like it!

The Splurge’s driving range looks to be better than the Volt’s and it comes in a convertible too.

I’m predicting a homerun for the Splurge especially within the Green community.

Eeeeeeeee! and look! It appears the pollution-spewing U.S. war machine has finally got it’s priorities right and will soon be ready to adopt the Splurge drive system for all vehicular transport.

Anchors away! Me Green boys!

UPDATE: iOwnTheWorld-olanche!!!

Many thanks, Claudia.

Newcomers have a look around. We like to have fun here.

Romney’s $10,000 Bet Illustrates What’s Wrong with Washington or Big Gambler On A Losing Streak

During last night’s GOP debate, Mitt Romney bet Rick Perry $10,000 that he, Mitt Romney, did not recommend Romneycare’s “individual mandates” as a health care solution for the entire United States.

Notice that in a dispute about policy, Romney’s first instinct was to gamble a large sum of money.

Hold that thought as we go to the video:

Eh, okay. One, that was pretty childish- akin to one kid telling another “I bet you a million gajillion dollars I’m tellin’ the truth.” I’m surprised Romney didn’t follow that up with a triple dog dare.

Two, I suppose that was fairly psychologically shrewd on Romney’s part because a guy coming from a background as poor as Perry is going to be naturally very frugal. You’d probably have a hard time getting Perry to make a bet of $20, much less a $10K one. So, the plan must’ve been for us to interpret Perry’s reticence in betting $10K as backing down before the glaring obviousness of Romney’s truth. So…a win for Mitt?

But also a loss.

A big one.

And no, I’m not talking about how throwing out a ten thousand dollar bet as if it were chump change illustrates the la-di-da isolation of Mitt Romney from the everyday problems of the American citizen during this lousy economy, much as President Obama’s vacations, golfing, and constant parties illustrate his uncaring isolation from the American people…though it probably does do that as well or will once the MSM gets through with it.

No, what concerns me is that Romney’s first instinct, his very first instinct, is to throw big money at a policy dispute in order to prove himself right. And in that, Mitt Romney reminds me very much of another “high roller”.

That’s right, Mitt’s fellow Massachusoid, Barney Frank and his wanting to keep “rolling the dice” with the American peoples’ money in order to prove that loaning money to people who could not pay it back was a great idea.

But wait a doggone minute, naturalfake!, I hear you say. Mitt’s gambling with his own money, not the taxpayers money, his own money that he earned. Not taxpayer money! What do you have to say about that, naturalfake? Huh? What do you have to say about that?

I say, let’s look at another part of the debate: (bolding/italics mine)

Mr. Romney seemed sometimes to run counter to free market principles, as when he faulted Mr. Gingrich for wanting to “spend our precious dollars for a tax cut” on capital gains for those earning more than $200,000 a year. Mr. Gingrich didn’t get a chance to make the obvious response, which is that the dollars aren’t “ours,” but belong to those who earned them in the first place.

Exactly.

My earnings don’t suddenly become “ours” and thus his to spend or gamble with as he sees fit on crackpot schemes or policy disputes because the force of law demands that I send that money to Washington.

This is the exact problem with President Obama and the Democrats in general, gambling with the taxpayer’s money, whether it’s on nonsense like the “green job economy” or his farcical “stimulus”.

That is, throw money at a problem or disputed policy to prove that that policy is correct.

This is what is wrong with Washington. And has been wrong with Washington for a long time. Washington is a fat, bloated, big gambler on a 50 year losing streak, whether its finance, education, poverty, energy or any other endeavor you care to name and its cry is always the same “I bet you a trillions of dollars I’m right!”

And its what’s wrong with Mitt Romney if his first instinct is to gamble his own big money to prove he’s right in a policy dispute.

Because next time, if he gets the chance, he’ll be gambling with “ours”.

Uh-Oh! Somebody’s Been Violating The Prime Directive Again!

Video of a recent CME (coronal mass ejection) from our sun has revealed a mysterious object tracking the planet Mercury, according to some extraterrestrial life specialists.

Here’s the video:

And here’s a close-up still of the object as revealed by the coronal mass ejection:

Based on this picture the mystery object is described as-

…cylindrical on either side and has a shape in the middle. It definitely looks like a ship to me…”

Okay, so…two cylinders on either side of a shape in the middle….

You mean like this?

So, there you go. Mystery solved.

My only question is-

Are they here to pick-up a couple of humpbacked whales?

Or-

Battle the Borg?

Or possibly…

Let a nice lady get run over by a car to prevent a disastrous political movement from destroying the future?

In which case…

You’re three years too late, ya intergalactic morons! We got a SCOAMF on our hands! Get yer space-asses back to 2008 and get it right this time!

And it goes without saying…

Beam me up, Scotty. There’s 52% unintelligent life down here…

*

PREVIOUSLY ON naturalfake:

Deck Your JunK with Gonorrhea! : A TSA Holiday Hint (Possibly NSFW)

They Shoot PoliSci Professors, Don’t They?* or Welcome To The NFL! (Possibly NSFW)

OWSers, we hardly knew ye.

Or perhaps we knew ye all too well.

You’re the guys and gals who each ran up a $160,000 debt getting a college degree in Queer Musicology(yes, an actual degree from UCLA) or Art History Philosophy or Wymyn’s Studies and now can’t find a job. So, you responded to your lack of employment by getting head lice and beating on drums and masturbating in public and crapping on cop cars and raping women.

Now, while all of these creative and colorful activities might seem like a great way to enhance your resume and increase your chances of employment, sadly, they are not. And while in a more fair and just world, spreading tuberculosis, Zuccotti lung, or scabies would be a sure route to lifetime employment, under present circumstances, such items on your Curriculum Vitae may actually reduce your chances of future employment.

Unbelievable, I know.

But, help is on the way. We here at naturalfake International News have analyzed your employment situation and have come up with a solution.

A solution which, our vast array of supercomputers assure us, is 99.34899921056% guaranteed to render unto you gainful employment in your degreed area of study.

Even if that degree is in Pan-American Fine Art Studies.

So, take heart little OWSer when I say: “Welcome to the NFL!”

Let me explain.

Each year tens of thousands of young men graduate college with the hope of finding a job that utilizes a narrow set of skills even more irrelevant to everyday living than Music Therapy or Journalism. And that narrow set of skills involves the dextrous handling of an oblong, air-filled bladder of pigskin.

I refer, of course, to college football players and the game of professional football.

Now, while the 1.9 million dollar average yearly salary of an NFL starting player is but a pittance compared the annual salary and benefits package offered the average English Lit professor, tens of thousands of young football players still strive to acquire one of the 1696 playing positions in the NFL.

You read that correctly. The NFL has only 1696 jobs for football players.

You do see the similarities between the employment situation of the graduating football player who wishes to play in the NFL and your employment situation don’t you, my dear little OWSling?

Well, let’s say that you have a PhD in Queer Musicology. That really doesn’t qualify you for any sort of job outside of Academia. And in a country the size of America, the need for Professors of Queer Musicology is probably…

…uh, the need approaches…

Eh, look, in terms of actual need, the need for Professors in Queer Musicology is probably zero. But let’s be generous and say as a kind of make-believe, welfarey-type job you might create for your retarded cousin or something, there are 3 Professorships of Queer Musicology in the United States. And those professorships are already taken.

There in a nutshell is your problem. Highly limited job prospects because of a highly limited number of jobs. Just like the wannabe players for the NFL.

So, why aren’t the unemployed wannabe players for the NFL demonstrating outside the stadiums? Why isn’t there an OccupyBaltimoreRavens?

Turnover, my jobless friend, turnover.

Despite the fact that there is a limited number of playing slots in the NFL, those slots are constantly turning over due to injury. NFL players are always pulling, breaking, tearing, or straining something and that spells opportunity for the unemployed. Not to mentioned early retirement of players in their twenties, thirties, and forties due to wear-and-tear.

But, a career-ending injury in Academia?

Even if you’re the Blackest student who ever studiously studied Blackness in all of Black Studies, you’re unlikely to suffer a groin pull.

Unless you’ve spent the last two hours deconstructing the dominant narrative of Big, Beautiful, Black Butts magazine. IYKWIMAITYD.

And retirement? Don’t make me laugh.

Those old farts are gonna stay in your job until they’re sixty-five.

Oh did I say, sixty-five?

I meant eighty.

That’s right. Those selfish Boomer bastards, the 1% of Academia, are gonna keep hogging your job until they’re eighty fucking years old!

And what’re you supposed to do? Be a teaching assistant until you’re fifty or sixty? Earning less than a McDonald’s employee? Letting them feed off your work? Carrying that Boomer’s dead ass around for thirty or forty years while you wait? Wait for your job to open up when you’re an old fart? Then pay their fucking Social Security and Medicaid and Medicare?

Is that how your life’s supposed to be?

Like this?

No, your life is not supposed to be like that.

Society owes you a job. Society owes you that Queer Musicology Professorship.

They owe it to you right now!

But, naturalfake, naturalfake, I hear you say, there are no open slots right now in Academia for Professors of American Studies.

Oh, dear sweet little OWSer, must you always suck at life?

Turnover is the key.

If the slots for your job are full, then you must increase turnover.

Therefore…put down your drum, put down your iphone and ipod and ipad, abandon your tent and buy a gun.*

Then get in your car and go on a cross-country turnover spree.*

Visit each and every university or college that has an old fart hogging Your Job and increase the Professorial turnover rate at that institution.*

And soon, you’ll have the job of your dreams!

Or you’ll be in jail.

Either way your work, food, shelter, and employment worries will be over.

99.34899921056% guarranted.

* Yes, the above was a work of dark satire. Like “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift.

Only not nearly as awesome.

naturalfake absolutely does not recommend embarking on a cross-country shooting spree of college professors as part of a scheme to gain employment.

For one thing, putting a cap in someone’s ass, and by ass I mean medulla oblongata, shows no sense of style whatsoever…Anyone can do that.

I mean, where’s the flair in that?

But…let’s say…let’s say-

Your major professor walks out of his house on his way to work. When suddenly-

BUZZOW! you hop out of the bushes. And you’re all dressed in your black hoodie and tight-fit black jeans and you’re wearing your “V for Vendetta” mask.

And your professor is all like “Woah, who are you?”

And you’re all like “I’m your star pupil, dude.”

And then you’re like throwing ninja stars at him. That’s right! NINJA FUCKING THROWING STARS. And you’re all throwing them at him.

And he’s all like “Ahhhhhh!!!” and falls down. And then you throw him into the trunk of your car. And drive him to a field where you set up a TREBUCHET. That’s right a TRE-FUCKING-BUCHET!!! One of those big medieval boulder throwing dealios.

And you put him in the slingy-hammocky part.

And he’s all like “Whoa, what’re you doing, dude?”

And you’re all like “Just givin’ you a lift to campus, bro.”

And then you cut the holding rope and he goes flying half-a-fucking-mile in the air to campus.

And he like all splats in the Student Union.

And everybody is like all “Woah!!! I guess a slot just opened up in Art History Philosophy professorship!

And BAM!!! That’s what I’m talking about!

You got your style. You got your flair.

I mean, NINJA FUCKING THROWING STARS!!!!!

TREBUCHETS!!!!!!

And cool smartass catchphrases like James Bond!

Totally awesome!!!!!

…uh…

But that would be wrong.**

** Okay, okay, more dark satire, folks…yeah…

Seriously though, naturalfake, absolutely does not condone violence of any sort. Readers who are too stupid to recognize satire should not try any of the above in real life or even give it serious consideration. We assume no responsibility for the actions of crazy people.

Should you be contemplating any illegal act of any kind, please consult your local police, your priest, your psychiatrist, and your parents.

Say no to violence, oh, and socialism and thinking what somebody else has earned belongs to you-

That’s the naturalfake way!

UPDATE: OWSers, you can thank Obama and the Democrats for adding $50,000 more to your individual debt.

Enjoy!

UPDATE: Word change as per commenter f2000.