Cheney Holds Out For Cthulhu

In an exclusive interview with naturalfake, former Vice-President Dick Cheney laughed off a suggestion by Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla) that Satan write the forward to his upcoming memoirs.

“Satan?” snorted Mr Cheney “Satan? Oh my, no. Well, maybe if I was writing a book of fairy tales for Girl Scouts. But these are my memoirs. My memoirs, you understand?. That means you’re getting the pure, unadulterated, straight no chaser, 200 proof Cheney. Do you know, can you even conceive, just exactly what that means without losing your sanity?

“And Satan? Well, let’s just say he tries hard. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Maybe I’ll let him write a jacket blurb. Him and Stephen King.

“But no, there’s only one being of unfathomable evil worthy of writing an introduction to Dick Cheney’s memoirs and that would be my old friend, Cthulhu.”

Upon being informed of Mr Cheney’s response to his remarks, Rep. Grayson visibly paled.

“Cthulhu….” Rep Grayson said “Cthulhu…I…I guess I just must’ve forgot about him. Oh God, how could I have been so stupid! I…I just hope he’s not insulted.”

Cthulhu?

“No, Cheney! You know what they say, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

Sure. Everyone knows that. “In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming.”

Rep. Grayson swallowed hard.

“Well, they also say “Ph’nglui glzw’zarfn Cheney Wwyominge sxall’uffnv hssiuluq”.

As the full import of those words came upon me, I’m not ashamed to say, it took this reporter more than a moment to compose himself enough to speak.

Oh…..oh, you poor man….perhaps…perhaps, you could….

“No.” sobbed Rep. Alan Grayson (D-Fla) “There’s no way out….no…….out…”

Then Rep. Alan Grayson ran into the night, his screams high and whispery like those of a tree frog set aflame.

I walked home under the cold light of uncaring stars adrift in empty space.