Inventor Goes Medieval On Spendthrift Politicians

Dr. Bruford Carnevale is going all the way back to the Middle Ages to stop the modern day problem of runaway government spending.

Taking his cue from medieval times, he’s invented the “Frugality Belt”.

“It’s like a chastity belt for politicians.” says Dr Carnevale “Only instead of sexual fidelity, it enforces fiscal responsibility. Our field studies have shown the Frugality Belt to be effective 100% of the time.”

That’s amazing. How did you come up with this idea?

“Dogs in heat. Thanks to neurological studies coming out of Johns Hopkins, we now know that the brain waves of a politician contemplating spending taxpayer money are exactly like those of a dog in heat. When politicians actually vote to spend other people’s money, their brain waves resemble those of a dog in heat engaged in coitus. As you can see, that is one tough paradigm to break.”

Sounds like a bitch.

“Ye-e-e-e-s…..I see….well, as I was saying, with this kind of powerful operant conditioning feedback loop, it’s almost impossible to break. We’d been looking into lobotomy and amputation as a means to stop politicians from spending-”

What!?! Wait. You were seriously thinking about….now let me get this straight….You were contemplating using lobotomies and amputation to stop Senators, Congressmen/congresswomen and…and the President from spending?

“(sighs) Now see, that’s the attitude that….Look, I’m all for lobotomy and amputation if gets this economy destroying spending under control. Though, yes, it’s true, in some cases, it is a health risk for the politician. In other cases, the voters are squeamish about putting their politicians through amputation. And, of course, there are people who plan one day to run for office. They don’t like the idea of involuntary brain surgery upon their persons as a prerequisite for the job.”

I imagine not.

“We’ll just have to agree to disagree on that point, naturalfake. In any event, we were at an impasse until I saw this.”

The Inspiration: A Chastity Belt For Dogs

What is it?

“A doggie chastity belt. I saw this and thought ‘Eureka!’. If a chastity belt could keep a dog in heat from unwanted breeding, why couldn’t a “frugality belt” keep politicians from spending!”

I see.

“Yes. Here’s our first prototype:”

The Frugality Belt Mach 1

“As you can see it’s a bit unwieldy and requires two technicians to operate properly. Also, strange as it may seem most politicians were unwilling to wear it. Or even try it on.”

Well….

“Yes, yes. I’m aware of all that. Politicians wanted something more fashionable. As befits their station in life.

“So, we consulted with the late, great fashion designer Alexander McQueen and came up with this:”

The Frugality Belt 2.0

“As you can, see this allows the politician greater personal mobility while at the same time restricting the voting on and writing of spending bills. The jacket and sleeves are filled with a thick layer of double ought shot. Very heavy. Very heavy, indeed. Most politicians are unable to move them at all.

“There are flip out panels in front and back so the politician might either urinate or defecate at his or her convenience.”

What’s this bubble thing?

“Ahhh, now that’s the ‘Sphere of Silence’. Brilliant! If I do say so myself. Our patented Gornylatex(TM) mesh allows air in, but no sound out. No yays or nays possible and therefore no vote.

“The mesh also allows us to pour nutritious warm soup or a cold milk shake through it, which the politician may lap up with his or her tongue when hungry.

“And, of course, it’s completely unisex. Equality of the sexes and all that, you know.”

You’ve certainly thought of everything, Dr Carnevale. Though we do live in a democracy, you know, and there’s an important election coming up in November. We can just vote the spendthrifts out.

“Well, good luck with that, young man. I tried voting, not voting, Democrat, Republican. Now it’s time for a third way. The “Frugality Belt” is that third way.”

Well, good luck yourself, Dr Carnevale.

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