I Don’t Care If The Candidate’s a Kitten-Rapin’, Human Skin Drapin’ Cannibal Hillbilly. If He’s Republican, I’m Voting For Him. (Possibly NSFW)

That’s right.

I. Don’t. Care.

If he’s the Republican candidate on the ballot, come November I’m voting for the kitten-rapin’, human skin drapin’, cannibal hillbilly.

You know what?

I don’t even care if the candidate’s a meth-smokin’, cousin-pokin’, chicken-chokin’ porn addict with two babymommas and a tranny hooker on the side.

If he’s Republican, I’m voting for him.

Heck, I’ll take it even farther than that.

I don’t care if the Republican candidate is a tax-cheatin’, Harvard-eliten’, RINO douchebag.

In November, I’m voting for him.

“But, naturalfake, naturalfake!” I hear you say “Not a RINO. Anything but voting for a RINO. The chicken-chokin’ porn addict and the cannibal hillbilly are bad enough…But a RINO! Say it ain’t so!”

Nope.

It is so.

Culling out RINOs is the job of the primaries. (I’m looking at you, Arizona.) Same with chicken-chokin’ porn addicts and cannibal hillbillies.

So, even if the Republican candidate’s a Depends-wearin’, First Amendment tearin’, at-his-constituents-swearin’ Devonian RINO fossil, he gets my vote.

Why?

Three reasons.

Kali ma? More like I'm gonna kali you, Senator! You heart rippin, drug trippin, blood sippin High Priest of Evil, you!

Reason Number One: This.

The Democratic Party is moving faster and more aggressively than in previous election years to dig up unflattering details about Republican challengers.

…”Some years you ride the wave, and other years you paddle your canoe,” Democratic strategist Paul Begala said. “Democrats, they’ve got to paddle like hell. So what you do when you’re paddling is, as the Republicans seek to nationalize, you localize and personalize.”

Congressional Democrats can’t possibly run on their record of reckless spending, corruption, and Obamacare, so we’re going to see a lot of silly side-issues, mostly false or exaggerated, to try to strip away voters. It’s going to be Alinsky Squared.

So, ask yourself, who’s likely to cause more damage to America?

The Creationist or Scientologist or Foot Fetishist Republican who follows a conservative agenda OR the “pure as the driven snow” Democrat who’ll pile another 3.7 trillion in debt on your children and cripple the economy for generations with Cap and Trade?

Who wants an acid-barfin', melted foot-scarfin' hybrid human/fly mutant Republican for Speaker of the House? Me!

Reason Number Two: Journolist scumbags. Joined at the hip with Reason Number One.

We’re already seeing the racist gambit and the sexual smearing of conservative women throughout the MSM. Expect it to get worse by November. Much, much worse.

With lots of last minute October Surprise falsehoods all coordinated behind the scenes.

So, screw’em.

Guess what?

I don’t care if she’s a rump-shakin’, husband-takin’, marijuana brownie bakin’ party girl.

If she’s Republican and on the ballot in November, I’m voting for her.

“But naturalfake, naturalfake!” you will say in October post-surprise “The media says she’s an adultery-disgraced, bukakke-faced, porn star cum-dumpster.”

Same deal. She’s got my vote.

Maybe twice.

But especially because of-

Reason Number Three: Obama’s wrecking the country. We need to stop his irresponsible spending before he does irreparable harm to our children and grandchildren. We need to get people back to work and defund Obamacare.

The best way to do that is to sideline Obama. And the best way to sideline Obama is for the Republicans to take control of both houses of Congress with as big a majority as possible.

You don’t have to be conservative or Republican to know that Obama’s a failure. You just have to open your eyes and see what’s happening to your friends and neighbors, to see what’s happening on the beaches and to the people of the Gulf Coast.

So, Independents and Democrats we need you too!

You bluest of the blue staters. Come to the aid of your country!

Even you Democratiest of Democrats, you do realize we need a functioning, growing economy for your beloved social programs to piggyback onto, don’t you?

Well then, come on!

Yo! Union guys! You gotta vote for the Republican.

Even if he’s a card check hatin’, right-to-work baitin’, free-market statin’ maniac here.

LGBT Community! Taxes are going to go up. Way up. You wanna have more money in your pocket for those vacations in Jamaica, Costa Rico, or Morocco ?

That bible-thumpin’, missionary position-humpin’, creationist-stumpin’ evangelical Republican over there? He’s your man, baby!

Hey, Feminists!

Who wants pro-life supportin’, wants adoption-not abortin’, up-by-her-own-bootstraps rip-snortin’ Republican woman for Congress?

You! That’s who.

People of Color. Who’s gonna get you back to work?

It’s that Constitution-upholdin’, Liberty-emboldin’, Martin-Luther-King’s dream-is-golden, Tea Party goin’ Republican.

The thing is, even if the Republican candidate’s not really your cup of tea, next primary, next election you can vote him or her out.

And I’m sorry that Obama’s been such a disaster.

But he has and is and will continue to be for the next two years.

So, he has to be neutralized.

American style…

At the ballot box!

UPDATE: Ahoy visitors from the Belmont Club!!! And a big thanks to BC commenter “toadold”!

We’re not all about the cheap laugh here at naturalfake. Though I’d do love the low hanging fruit. And the stupid. I do loves me some stupid.

We try to combine serious, dare I say it?, Richard Fernandez level, analysis with a skewed, sometimes very skewed, viewpoint and humor.

Look around, give us a try.

Here are some of our more popular articles dealing with Culture:

AVATAR: A Violent Right Wing Fantasy

LOST, Reaching God, and Free Will

Man-made Global Warming:

Fruit of the Poison Tree, Tarts From the Poison Fruit

Economics:

The Barack Obama Diet Plan

For Chinese New Year Paul Krugman Serves Up Dim Sum

Governmental and Social Policy:

Barack Obama’s Fairy Palace

Five Supreme Court Candidates Who Deserve The Job More Than Elena Kagan And Why

Enjoy!
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HAT TIP: Ace (cause I’m kind of poachin’ on his shtick)

2 responses to “I Don’t Care If The Candidate’s a Kitten-Rapin’, Human Skin Drapin’ Cannibal Hillbilly. If He’s Republican, I’m Voting For Him. (Possibly NSFW)

  1. Back in January 1977 I swore an oath that I would bite off my own hand before I ever permitted it to pull the lever for a Democrat. I remain true to that oath. Any questions?

  2. I know exactly what you mean.

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