Le Romance Apache

Outrage has been rapidly growing in France this week over the treatment of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, current chief of the International Monetary Fund and Socialist Party Presidential Candidate, who was arrested in New York on charges of sexual assault against a hotel maid.

Friends from within the French government of the popular Mr Strauss-Kahn, who is also known by his nickname “The Great Seducer”, believe that the criminal charges against him are the result of a cultural misunderstanding.

To help alleviate this misunderstanding, the government of France dispatched well-known philosopher and longtime friend of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, Henri Bernard-Levy, to present evidence which is expected to clear DSK of all charges as well as educate Americans in the French art of love.

In an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!!! with naturalfake International News, Henri Bernard-Levy has agreed to give us a first look at that evidence.

nf: Mr Bernard-Levy. It is quite an honor to meet with you. Especially given your official title as France’s new Le Ministre de la Romance.

HBL: Tres bien, naturalfake, your French is very good.

Oui, it is quite ze honor for me to represent France in ziss regretful matter as ze official French Minister of Romance.

nf: I noticed that you’ve translated “Le Ministre de la Romance” as “The Minister of Romance” but wouldn’t a direct translation of your new title be “the little rabbit’s left testicle”.

HBL: Oohlala, your French…tres magnifique! naturalfake.

You are correct. French is a much older and more sophisticated society zan America. Our language sometimes demonstrates it’s Roman origins. I am indeed “ze little rabbit’s left testicle” but please, address me as Henri Bernard-Levy.

nf: Thank you, Henri Bernard-Levy. Well, now to the matter at hand.

You have evidence, do you not, which you believe will clear Mr Strauss-Kahn of all charges of rape?

HBL: Certainement! Zese charges are a terrible insult to all French men and women!

I can assure you zat what happened between Dominique and zat..zat servante noire was ze sweet, sweet romance. Like ze fairy tale. Zey do not call DSK “Ze Great Seducer” for nothing.

nf: Be that as it may….well look, only two people really know what happened in that room. And the maid is saying rape. You’re saying cultural misunderstanding.

And now you claim to have evidence which totally clears Mr Strauss-Kahn of all charges?

HBL: Precisement! I have been ze good friend of Dominique Strauss-Levy for many years. And I have a video of his standard method of seduction.

nf: A video?

HBL: Oui. Once your so-called justice system sees zis, zey will release Dominique tout de suite!

For zey shall see not ze raper but ze man of passion, ze man of culture and grace, ze man of romance. In short, zey will see ze true Frenchman.

nf: Wow! Well, let’s see it.

HBL: And now we leave ze lovers to zeir night of passion!

nf:……

HBL: Did I not tell you? Strauss-Kahn “Ze Great Seducer”. Zis is why he never fails. His technique- c’est tres formidable!

nf: Wait. Did….did he…..did he just use a knife on her?

HBL: naturalfake. We are men of ze world are we not?

nf: …Yeah…

HBL: So, who among us has not used a little playful stabbing to convince ze reluctant madamoiselle?

nf:…..stabbing?

HBL: But, of course! Ze reluctant madamoiselle- Her mouth says “No, No”. But a little foreplay with ze knife. A playful stab or five and soon all those ah, le couteau de la bouche…what is ze English?

Ah! Soon all ze knife’s little mouths are saying, “Yes, yes”.

nf: Really? This is your defense?

HBL: Certainement! And with ze stabbing…why zen come ze greatest technique of love making in all of France!

All of zose….petites bouches affamées….hungry little mouths from ze knife. Zey must be fed, must they not, naturalfake?

nf:…….

HBL: But, of course zey must! We call zis- ze apogee of French romance- “Putain le foie gras”!

nf: “Fucking the foie gras”?

HBL: Oui! As you so charmingly put it in English- fucking the foie gras!

And with zat I shall rest my case.

You Americans shall put aside your puritanical, bourgeois- your irrational prejudice against ze French art of romance and see “Ze Great Seducer” for who he is. A great man.

A great man of France and ze world and Dominique Strauss-Kahn shall go free.

nf:….well… Good Luck with that.

HBL: Zank you, naturalfake!<

nf: I have to say though…none of the police reports mention a knife. Just, you know, forced anal and oral sodomy.

HBL: Ooh la la, zat is another of Dominique’s techniques.

We call zat one…ze “Royale avec du fromage”….ooh, what is ze English?

nf: A “royale with cheese”…

HBL: C’est magnifique!

nf: Ugh, I need to take a shower.

HBL: Why? I never take one.

nf: I know. Well, thank you Henri Bernard-Levy.

UPDATE: BREAKING NEWS!!!!!

SHOCK VIDEO OF ALLEGED DSK SEXUAL ASSAULT OF A MALE DOCTOR

Apparently, the assault occurred while the doctor was giving Dominique Strauss-Kahn a hernia check.

Here it is, but be warned its fairly explicit:

Well, I don’t know…

The voice certainly sounds like Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s voice.

But, to be fair, we never do see him in the video. Well, good thing they’ve got a DNA sample to check.

Stay tuned. We’ll keep you posted on this fast breaking story.

UPDATE 2: Ace really brings the funny on these guys.

Check it out!

UPDATE 3: Commenter ally brings us up to date with the latest quote from DSK:

After a night on Rikers Island DSK issued a short statement:

“Ze forcible raping of ze mouth and anus is not so incroyable if you are ze rapee, who knew?

Even less formidable is ze rapist going ass to mouth on ze rapee, sacre bleu, all ze Pernod in Paris won’t wash erase that taste!”

Tres magnifique!

2 responses to “Le Romance Apache

  1. After a night on Rikers Island DSK issued a short statement: “Ze forcible raping of ze mouth and anus is not so incroyable if you are ze rapee, who knew? Even less formidable is ze rapist going ass to mouth on ze rapee, sacre bleu, all ze Pernod in Paris won’t wash erase that taste!”

  2. DSK has given further insights into his time on Riker’s: “I was taking a shower when two fellows came up to me and asked if I wanted to see an Eiffel Tower, silly me I thought they meant ze Eiffel Tower and zat zey had planned a daring escape a la Papillon. Suddenly I am stuffed like a diplomatic pouch! And zen ze indignite, they do ze five high over me! Unfortunately I fell for ze same trick 3 more times! Cretin! Ah well, at least I can eat all le fromage I wish without ze constipation.

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