White House staffers have been in a state of constant euphoria since the successful debut, at the Iowa Caucuses two nights ago, of the newly uploaded and now completely virtual President of the United States of America, Barack Obama.
You read that correctly. President Obama no longer inhabits this fleshy plane with the rest of us. He has had his personality, his intellect, all that he was uploaded into cyberspace.
Barack Obama now exists as an immortal digital being of the internet.
Our First Digitally Uploaded President Barack Obama
Uh-uh-unprecedented!
As Dr Tomlikinson von Hartley-Klumf, head of the neurological team which oversaw the Obama Digital Upload, explains:
“The Upload was accomplished during the President’s Hawaiian vacation. We had a Cray Supercomputer flown out and readied to accept President Obama’s “soul” if you will.
“But as it turns out we were able to upload the entirety of Obama’s intellect, his knowledge, his memories, his sense of humor and personality into a used Commodore 64 with plenty of room left over for the game, Paradroid.”
If you were one of the lucky few Progressives to catch our newly Uploaded President’s debut on video at the Democrat Iowa Caucus, you probably couldn’t tell the difference at all between the flesh and blood Obama and his new digital manifestation:
“We’ve completely conquered the “Uncanny Valley”.” explains Dr Sun Fong-Canoe, head of Presidential Avatar Construction and Presentation, “86.295% of the Iowa audience found President Obama to look like a human….a human that had been dipped in thick luxurious caramel, uhm, like an apple. But, recognizably human nonetheless.
“And who doesn’t like a nice caramel apple. Or yummy, yummy caramel-coated President for that matter. We’ve come a long way since the early digital uploading experiments of the 1980s.”
Who looks more natural, 1980s Max Headroom or the newly uploaded, fully digital President Barack Hussein Obama? You decide.
But with all his many accomplishments to run on, why did President Obama choose to upload now, just as his 2012 Presidential Campaign is starting to roll out?
Obama 2012 mastermind, David Axelrod explains:
“We expect a tough campaign in 2012 and the President needs to be out there bringing his message to the people 24/7. The digital upload was a natural solution.
“Plus, to be honest with you, the constant golfing was bad optics.
Now, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week you can tune into the White House website and see the President of the United States of America taking on the number one problem facing this country today- hordes of evil 1% giant mutant bankers trying to steal the people’s money from President Obama at the White House:
But is David Axelrod worried that the President’s digital conversion has somehow adversely affected Barack Obama’s personality or his warm, loving regard for the American people?
“Not at all.” says Mr Axelrod “The President himself has told me that he plans to continue his fight for the working men and women of the great land of ours. That he plans on using this campaign to defeat the greatest problems facing the American people:
Number one: evil 1% giant mutant bankers trying to steal the people’s money from the White House.
Number two: cyborg-enhanced Tyrannosaurus Rexes
Number three: flame-headed zombies
Number four: sword-wielding valkyries with giant breasts
The President has vowed tha-”
Wait a minute. Wait. What…evil mutant bankers, tyrannosaurus rexes…zombies?
“That’s right, and big-breasted valkyries. The President has vowed to eliminate all of these problems facing the American people…You got a problem with that?”
No…no. It’s just-
“Look, you’re a journalist, aren’t you? You subscribe to Journolist ethics, don’t you?”
Of course…but, I mean-
“Then get with the program. You know how this works.”
Fine….I can probably do something positive with the zombie thing….
Okay…Oh! What about the President’s body? I guess it’s frozen, huh? In case he wants to come back.
“Umm, that’s where we hit a bit of a snafu…
“The President wanted to stress his commitment to Green Energy by having his body recycled into bio-diesel.”
That’s quite noble of him.
“Yes, well, the damn biodiesel recycling plant went bankrupt before they finished. We gave the sonsabitches $38 billion dollars in free loans. You’d think they coulda stayed open for another 24 hours.
Anyway…the Presidential sludge wound up at the Lady Barkley’s All Natural 100% Recycled Dog Chow factory.”
Yikes.
“Yeah…the less said about that clusterfuck the better. Journolist ethics, right?
“In any event, we bought that whole batch number of that chow. In case Barack wishes to walk among us once more. I’ve got top men working on reconstituting the President’s body.”
Wow, they must be scientific geniuses. Who’s working on that?
“I said….TOP MEN!!!”
.
UPDATE: Slight edit for clarity.
HAT TIP: Instapundit
