Your Feminist Boyfriend: Part One – Pillow Talk

You go, Grrrl!

Now you’ve got Your Feminist Boyfriend.

But soft, in the privacy of the bedroom, there’s something he wishes to say…

 

*coughs*

Oh….yeah…no, baby….I love…uh, doing this…

But don’t you think…I mean, if you want to…just one time we could…

No…no, no. I know all PIV is rape…but…maybe..just one time….you know if…

No. I know. I’m not trying to use my male privilege to dominate you…

No no. This is…great.

But, don’t you think maybe you could take a bath once in a….

No, I know you believe in being all natural…oh, I agree….No, baby, I agree the Patriarchy makes women think they have to bath and use perfume…

….Well….

….well…

Well, baby, I know….

Well…how about we compromise…

Would…would it, at least, be okay if I used Tartar Sauce?

THE END OF WHITE PEOPLE or An Ironical Progressive Short Short Science Fiction Story Wherein Horrible White People Get Their Comeuppance And Stuff In An Ironic Way That Is Historically Significant And Sure To Win Me a HUGO Award

These three recent news items – one, two, three – have caused me to reevaluate the course of my life and realize that, as a highly creative, strong Progressive, there is a HUGO Award out there with my name on it.

All I have to do is write the proper kind of Science Fiction story and I’m golden.

I have done so and would like to submit the following SF short short for consideration by the HUGO Award Committee:

 

“THE END OF WHITE PEOPLE”

by

naturalfake

One day Caffadaysia Te Kinte, a beautiful, smart, virtuous woman with Black skin, who had changed her name to Caffadaysia Te Kinte from the horrible slave name, Kathy Brown, that white people had forced upon her, was on her way to work as a Sensitivity Trainer for insensitive white people, especially insensitive white men.

“White people sure do suck.”, she said to her best friend, Maria Lolita Isabel Garza, a wise Latina from Mexico.

“They sure do.” said Maria Lolita Isabel Garza “They’re always inappropriately appropriating Mexican cultural heritage words like fiesta. It just makes me so angry when they say fiesta.”

Now one might have thought that Maria Lolita Isabel Garza would have communicated these thoughts in a kind of Aztec Semiphore since the words she spoke including: they, sure, do, they’re, always, inappropriately, appropriating, cultural, heritage, words, like, it, just, makes, me, so, angry, when, they, say, and fiesta were all appropriated from the awful european white people culture, but such was not the case.

Just then, thousands of flying saucers suddenly landed all over the world.

The flying saucers contained an alien race called the Kadoodles. The Kadoodles were eight feet tall and looked kind of like a cross between a cute little kitty cat and a sea cucumber.

Xingflurb, the King of the Kadoodles went to the UN and announced:

“We are here to eat all the white people.”

“Hurrah!!!” cheered all the People of Color in the world because this was great news.

“And” said King Xingflurb “All the rest of you will now have fun new jobs helping to us to round up, pen, fatten, slaughter, process, and cook white people.”

“Double hurrah!!!” cheered all the People of Color in the world because this was the best news of all.

Caffadaysia Te Kinte lost her old job as a Sensitivity Trainer for insensitive white people, but got a fun new job pushing white people into the giant meat grinder that ground up white people so they could be made into Sloppy Joes, which is how the Kadoodles preferred to eat white people.

“Ha ha ha.” laughed Caffadaysia Te Kinte. She laughed all day long as she pushed horrible white people into the giant meat grinder.

My, how the white people begged and cried and squeaked as they got ground up by the giant meat grinder.

It was the best job ever!

Then one day, all of the white people were used up, except for one little white baby with blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Welp, into the grinder you go.” said Caffadaysia Te Kinte throwing the baby into the giant meat grinder.

What a noisy baby it was!  It squeaked and squeaked in the giant meat grinder till it was ground up.

Caffadaysia Te Kinte sighed with the satisfaction of a job well done.

All the white people were gone. What a wonderful place the world was now!

King Xingflurb himself came to Caffadaysia Te Kinte and said “Welp, into the grinder you go.”

And Caffadaysia Te Kinte said “Wait. What?  There’s been a mistake.  I am not white.  I’m black.  You hate white people.  You love Black People.  We helped you get rid of all the white people.”

And King Xingflurb said,

“No, you’re wrong. We love white people. They make the best Sloppy Joes of all.

We merely like Black People. They make…okay Sloppy Joes.”

Then King Xingflurb threw Caffadaysia Te Kinte into the giant meat grinder where she squeaked and squeaked and squeaked until she was all ground up.

But King Xingflurb was wrong about Caffadaysia Te Kinte and Black People of Earth.

They made the best Sloppy Joes of all!

Kadoodles wept tears of joy when they ate the super delicious Sloppy Joes made from Caffadaysia Te Kinte and other Black People.

And the Kadoodles wept bitter tears of sorrow when all the yummy Black People were used up.

Thus it was that, Caffadaysia Te Kinte and all Black People of Earth gained love and respect throughout the galaxy, while white people were remembered as merely okay.

THE END

 

Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for all the awards and accolades to arrive.

Anyone know if the HUGO Award carries any cash?

 

The Ballad of Chris Dorner or Folk Song for an American Hero

As a strong, committed person of the Left, nothing could be more thrilling to me than to see the Oppressed of this country rise up and speak truth to power in the name of a true American hero.

I refer, of course, to Chris Dorner.

Each day his legend grows and soon Chris Dorner will be as well known an American Folk Hero as John Henry, Paul Bunyan, and Stagger Lee.

As proof, I give you this folk song celebrating Chris Dorner that sprang up spontaneously at several of the rallies I participated in this week.

If you’re anything like me, you can easily hear Woody Guthrie or Pete Seeger or even The Boss himself, Bruce Springsteen, singing these words of glorious tribute to a fallen hero:

THE BALLAD OF CHRIS DORNER

When Chris Dorner was a little baby,
sitting on his daddy’s knee.
He picked up a knife, stabbed his dad in the junk
Said, “I’m goin on a killin spree, Gaia, Gaia.
I’m goin on a killin spree.”

Chris Dorner learned to be a victim.
Loved Piers Morgan and Hillary
Filed false police reports then threw a fit,
Said poor discriminated on me, Gaia, Gaia
I’m goin on a killin spree

Chris Dorner loaded up his pistol
Gave his German Shepard good-bye head
Sucked every ounce of juice from that poor dog’s balls,
And he liked to take turtles to bed, Gaia, Gaia
Liked to tongue-punch turtle anus in bed.

Chris Dorner loved him some gun control
And that surely made him smart
Didn’t want nobody shooting back
When he shot dead young unarmed sweethearts, Gaia, Gaia
When he murdered two defenseless sweethearts

Chris Dorner ambushed some police
Then he fled to the woods and thorn
Crammed a gerbil up his butt, shot himself in the head
Burned on a pyre of his favorite kiddie porn, Gaia, Gaia
Burned on a pyre of his favorite kiddie porn.

Chris Dorner lives on in our memories
Not the christian lie of peaceful heaven.
He’s celebrated as a superhero by those
Thrilled by death on 9-11, Gaia, Gaia
By those who are thrilled by death.

Take that, wingnuts!

You can hear “The Boss” just singing the hell outta that can’t you?

Eeeeeeeeeee, this is so exciting to be here at the birth of an American Folk Hero and his own American Folk Hero Song.

But, I am disturbed by the fact that while “The Ballad of Chris Dorner” has in it almost everything that we on the Left believe and support, it has nothing about Chris’ strong support for abortion or green energy.

Still, that’s the beautiful thing about a folk song. We, the people, the folk, can add our own lyrics to “The Ballad or Chris Dorner” because it is, after all, our song.

The comments are open should you care to add lyrics to this moving tribute to the newest and greatest of all American Folk Heroes, Chris Dorner.

Wolfgang Amadeus Romney VS Barack Salieri

As I watched the absolutely hilarious humiliation of that over-praised, over-pampered mediocrity, Barack Obama, by Mitt Romney at last week’s Presidential Debate, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my favorite scene in Amadeus, one of my favorite movies.

If you’ve never seen Amadeus, it’s fictionalized account of the rivalry between classical composers Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Antonio Salieri to win the patronage and support of Emperor Joseph II of Vienna.

The story is told through the viewpoint of an old and embittered Salieri, who has outlived his fame and even the public’s memory of his music, while the music of Mozart still lives in the hearts and minds of that same public.

The scene I’m referring to is the pivotal scene of the movie and sets the motivation for what is to follow.

In it, Salieri is forced to face the fact that despite his fame, despite his public acclaim, despite all that his very sizable ego tells him, he is a hack, a nothing, a mediocrity, a big fish only because the pool he lives in is amenable to flattery and susceptible to simplemindedness of his simpleminded melodies.

The gift of Salieri’s musical inspiration, much like Obama’s so-called gift for public speaking and overall genius, is revealed to be a hollow joke to Salieri himself.

Okay, here’s the full scene. Enjoy:

It’s amazing how closely the dynamic of this scene follows that of the Presidential Debate.

At the beginning, we see a confident, pompous, somewhat condescending Salieri, who’s alternately amused and irritated by the upstart Mozart’s proposals and counter-arguments, descend into full existential horror as his limitations are all to graphically illustrated to him.

And mad props to the mighty F. Murray Abraham for the way his facial expressions exactly mirror those of Barack Obama during the debate. He exactly captured the face of a man drowning in his own suddenly discovered mediocrity. Heck, he even looks a bit like Obama.

Notice too how Mozart’s dismantling of Salieri’s ego was done totally without malice. Just as Romney’s dismantling of Obama was simply the result of far better preparation and mastery of the facts.

Take the courtiers’ amazed approval as that of the American public for Romney’s true song of America Swinging over Obama’s plodding, painful, tinkerty-tock march toward socialism.

I suppose Obama’s just lucky that moderator Jim Lehrer didn’t ask Romney to “play Obama”:

Yep, that’s about all the respect “hopey-changey” and “forward” deserve.

The interesting thing is that Obama’s reaction has been exactly like that of Salieri.

Salieri didn’t decide to improve himself, study harder, and write better music.

He instead decided to try to destroy Mozart with rumors, innnuendo, and character assassination behind his back.

And, mirabile dictu!, that’s exactly what Obama has decided to do with his ridiculous “Romney is a lying liar what lies” post-debate campaign.

So, now we have a President of the United States of America directly mimicking the actions of mediocre, vindictive, petty, small-souled fictional character.

Awesome.

I guess that means Romney needs to get a food taster.

One can only hope that Barack Salieri and his moronic hopey-changey melody meets this fate:

While Mitt Romney’s strong-armed, straight-backed, song of a prosperous, working America fills the hearts and minds of the American people.

President Obama Begins Day With Surprise Visit to New Orleans, Wades Into Flood Waters To Show Solidarity With Flood Victims (PHOTOS)

Imagine my surprise this morning when I looked out my window to see President Obama here in New Orleans!

I can’t tell you how important it was to us New Orleanians that President Obama took time out from his busy campaign schedule to show up here three or four, maybe five or six days after the disaster of Hurricane Isaac struck our fair city.

Anyway, I did what anyone of you would do, I grabbed my iPhone and headed straight out the door to grab some pictures.

Here President Obama himself actually waded into the flood waters to show solidarity with us flood victims:

I can’t tell how nervous we all were about President Obama’s safety when he bravely waded into the flood waters all by himself, except for the forty or fifty members of his entourage, the Secret Service, and the Press Corps.

And, unfortunately, our concern was justified when moments later our President slipped and fell while walking on the water slick streets!

Fortunately, he was okay.

But then, came the greatest surprise of all.

I was invited by David Axelrod himself to “come along with the Press Corps and give the average guy’s view of President Obama”!

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

You can’t imagine how my heart was thumping as we took off on Air Force One.

President Obama went from poor, flooded New Orleans directly to a much needed relaxing game of golf.

Next, President Obama hosted a fund raiser.

After that, poor President Obama was all tuckered out and had to take a nap:

What a wonderful and caring man, our President is!

Unfortunately, Mr Axelrod informed me that President Obama couldn’t spend precious campaign time or money to get me back to New Orleans, so I’d have to do that by myself.

But, he did give me a picture of President Obama signed by the President’s own auto-pen!

Fortunately, this Pawn Shop in Dayton, Oiho has wifi and I’ve been able to download these pictures for you to see before I hock my iPhone.

I should have just enough money to catch a Greyhound to Layfayette. After that, I should be able to hitchhike the rest of the way to the Big Easy.

Thanks for the wonderful day, Mr President.

And to the rest of you – Vote Obama!

Jeb Bush Will Never Be President or Unexpected Fallout From Chief Justice Roberts’ Decision

If you’re looking for a silver lining to Chief Justice Roberts’ betrayal of the Constitution, here it is.

Jeb Bush will never be President of the United States of America.

Though he may not know it yet, his chances just dwindled to zero.

Think about it.

Elect George H.W. Bush to the Presidency, you get Justice David Souter appointed to the Supreme Court.

Elect George W. Bush to the Presidency, you get Chief Justice John Roberts appointed to the Supreme Court.

The pattern is clear and striking.

Elect a Bush, get a poison pill in the Supreme Court to kill off any Conservative hopes of Constitutional government.

Every. Single. Time.

Elect Jeb Bush to the Presidency of the United States of America?

Please.

Given his father’s and brother’s track record, we can look forward to President Jeb appointing Barack Obama to the Supreme Court just to prove how all bipartisany and stuff he can be.

And if good ole Jeb thinks we’re going to forget about our current disappointment and anger at yet another Supreme Court turncoat put in place by a President Bush, well, forget it, pally.

Roberts is pretty much guaranteed to remain on the Court another twenty plus years. At least once a year, every year, we can expect him to go all Deliverence on the Constitution. That sense of outrage and betrayal is going to remain evergreen.

So sorry, Jebster, by the time Roberts leaves the Supreme Court, you’re liable to be worm-food yourself or drooling as part of the Depends crowd in a Florida nursing home. No Presidency for you.

Stay out the Bushes, people.

Stay out the Bushes.

BONUS QUESTION: Why are Karl Rove and John Sununu allowed anywhere near Republican Presidential candidates?

Karl Rove essentially gave us Justice John Roberts.

John Sununu gave us Justice David Souter.

Both have shown extremely poor judgement in a matter of vital national and political importance. Or they’re successful progressive saboteurs exhibiting excellent judgement. There’s not a whole lot of other possibilities between those two points.

I find it disturbing that John Sununu is a big part of Romney’s campaign.

Yes, yes I support Romney because he’s our only hope to repeal Obamacare and he’s made that a major part of his campaign. I’ve contributed money. I suggest you do the same.

And when you contribute, make sure you let them know that Sununu is not an appropriate advisor for his campaign and certainly not in a Romney Presidency.

Because if Romney is depending on Sununu’s judgement and advice in any capacity, I’m pretty sure we Conservatives can expect to get a crappy haircut and strapped to the top of a car at some point during his administration.

More Classy Jokes Obama Tells About Michelle (Definitely NSFW)

As everyone knows, President Obama is the personification of class.

The elegance and charm the Obamas bring to the White House is due, in large part, to the deep and classy respect that Barack Obama holds for his wife, Michelle.

And nothing says class and respect for your wife more than making her the public butt of an off-color sexual joke-

Like President Obama did last night at a Gay Fundraiser in Beverly Hills:

Before launching into his serious remarks, the president seemed briefly caught off-stride when the audience interpreted as off-color a joke he made about a push-up competition between DeGeneres and his wife, initiated by the talk show host in February.

DeGeneres, Obama said, is “a great friend who accepts a little bit of teasing about Michelle beating her in push-ups. I think she claims Michelle didn’t go all the way down.”

The audience began to chuckle and then erupt in bawdy laughter. Obama kept a straight face. “That’s what I heard,” he added. “I just want to set the record straight. Michelle outdoes me in push-ups as well. You shouldn’t feel bad.”

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!! It’s funny because the President is implying that his wife, Michelle, the mother of his children, is an incompetent, or perhaps reluctant lesbian.

Tee-hee!

Classy and witty, it’s like having Noel Coward for President or something.

After drinking six mescaline-coladas, we here at naturalfake International News have been privileged to catch other examples of President Obama’s classy wit and jokes demonstrating his deep and abiding respect for Michelle.

Please enjoy.

The first joke comes from President Obama’s eulogy for Senator Ted Kennedy:

President Obama:

Hey, it’s great to be here at the funeral of the late great Senator Ted Kennedy.

You know, everybody knows what a great politician Ted was. But not many people know what a philanthropist, what a giver Senator Kennedy was.

Giving of himself…giving all the time. The man was a giver.

Why, the first time Michelle and I met Ted, he took Michelle aside and gave her a pearl necklace.

A real nice one…

Nice and shiny.

(Deadpan)

That’s what I heard.

I don’t know-

She wiped it off before she got back to me.

Thank you!….Thank you very much!

My, that was classy. And respectful too. Not like those evil Republicans and their War Against Women.

Our second example of President Obama’s wit is a joke he uses often while campaigning in Pennsylvania:

President Obama:

Hey, it’s great to be here in Pennsylvania. I love Pennsylvania.

You know, it’s funny. As many times as Michelle and I have been here in Pennsylvania, we’ve never been to Hershey…you know the chocolate place. Home of Hershey candy bars, hershey kisses…Love to go there sometime. But, you know-

(pause)

Every time I start to drive down the Hershey Highway, Michelle stops me. That’s right, for some reason she won’t let me go down the Hershey Highway. She’s afraid or something. Afraid the road’s too narrow for my big ole car, I guess.

(beat)

One time I almost got there though. Almost. I got Michelle real drunk on Appletinis in Philadelphia and when she passed out I decided this was my chance. Yeah. So, I started down the Hershey Highway- finally. Yeah, I know. Went real slow so she wouldn’t wake up.

I got about halfway there and, wouldn’t you know it, she woke up. Made me go back…

Boy, was she mad. I shoulda been the one upset though.

That Hershey Highway was a mess. Got mud all over the front of my car.

Lotta corn on the road too for some reason.

Rough drive, you know.

Had to clean my car up…polish it.

Polished it a lot.

And I didn’t even get to go all the way down the Hershey highway!

Thank you…thank you very much!

Well, I’m willing to bet Mitt Romney couldn’t tell a joke half as classy, witty, and respectful toward Ann as that one was toward Michelle.

Advantage, Obama!

Perhaps you’ve heard our President tell other classy jokes regarding Michelle, please share them with us in the comments.