These three recent news items – one, two, three – have caused me to reevaluate the course of my life and realize that, as a highly creative, strong Progressive, there is a HUGO Award out there with my name on it.
All I have to do is write the proper kind of Science Fiction story and I’m golden.
I have done so and would like to submit the following SF short short for consideration by the HUGO Award Committee:
“THE END OF WHITE PEOPLE”
One day Caffadaysia Te Kinte, a beautiful, smart, virtuous woman with Black skin, who had changed her name to Caffadaysia Te Kinte from the horrible slave name, Kathy Brown, that white people had forced upon her, was on her way to work as a Sensitivity Trainer for insensitive white people, especially insensitive white men.
“White people sure do suck.”, she said to her best friend, Maria Lolita Isabel Garza, a wise Latina from Mexico.
“They sure do.” said Maria Lolita Isabel Garza “They’re always inappropriately appropriating Mexican cultural heritage words like fiesta. It just makes me so angry when they say fiesta.”
Now one might have thought that Maria Lolita Isabel Garza would have communicated these thoughts in a kind of Aztec Semiphore since the words she spoke including: they, sure, do, they’re, always, inappropriately, appropriating, cultural, heritage, words, like, it, just, makes, me, so, angry, when, they, say, and fiesta were all appropriated from the awful european white people culture, but such was not the case.
Just then, thousands of flying saucers suddenly landed all over the world.
The flying saucers contained an alien race called the Kadoodles. The Kadoodles were eight feet tall and looked kind of like a cross between a cute little kitty cat and a sea cucumber.
Xingflurb, the King of the Kadoodles went to the UN and announced:
“We are here to eat all the white people.”
“Hurrah!!!” cheered all the People of Color in the world because this was great news.
“And” said King Xingflurb “All the rest of you will now have fun new jobs helping to us to round up, pen, fatten, slaughter, process, and cook white people.”
“Double hurrah!!!” cheered all the People of Color in the world because this was the best news of all.
Caffadaysia Te Kinte lost her old job as a Sensitivity Trainer for insensitive white people, but got a fun new job pushing white people into the giant meat grinder that ground up white people so they could be made into Sloppy Joes, which is how the Kadoodles preferred to eat white people.
“Ha ha ha.” laughed Caffadaysia Te Kinte. She laughed all day long as she pushed horrible white people into the giant meat grinder.
My, how the white people begged and cried and squeaked as they got ground up by the giant meat grinder.
It was the best job ever!
Then one day, all of the white people were used up, except for one little white baby with blonde hair and blue eyes.
“Welp, into the grinder you go.” said Caffadaysia Te Kinte throwing the baby into the giant meat grinder.
What a noisy baby it was! It squeaked and squeaked in the giant meat grinder till it was ground up.
Caffadaysia Te Kinte sighed with the satisfaction of a job well done.
All the white people were gone. What a wonderful place the world was now!
King Xingflurb himself came to Caffadaysia Te Kinte and said “Welp, into the grinder you go.”
And Caffadaysia Te Kinte said “Wait. What? There’s been a mistake. I am not white. I’m black. You hate white people. You love Black People. We helped you get rid of all the white people.”
And King Xingflurb said,
“No, you’re wrong. We love white people. They make the best Sloppy Joes of all.
We merely like Black People. They make…okay Sloppy Joes.”
Then King Xingflurb threw Caffadaysia Te Kinte into the giant meat grinder where she squeaked and squeaked and squeaked until she was all ground up.
But King Xingflurb was wrong about Caffadaysia Te Kinte and Black People of Earth.
They made the best Sloppy Joes of all!
Kadoodles wept tears of joy when they ate the super delicious Sloppy Joes made from Caffadaysia Te Kinte and other Black People.
And the Kadoodles wept bitter tears of sorrow when all the yummy Black People were used up.
Thus it was that, Caffadaysia Te Kinte and all Black People of Earth gained love and respect throughout the galaxy, while white people were remembered as merely okay.
Now all I have to do is sit back and wait for all the awards and accolades to arrive.
Anyone know if the HUGO Award carries any cash?