An intense spiritual crisis has taken hold of the Islamic terrorist community following Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab’s failed bombing attempt on Northwest Flight 253.
Designed to vaporize an entire jetliner, Abdul Mutallab’s exploding underwear malfunctioned. As a result, both Mr Mutallab’s penis and testicles were completely incinerated.
Now, in an exclusive story, naturalfake has uncovered the shocking fate of Mr Mutallab’s junk in the afterlife.
We caught up with Abdul Mutallab’s penis in Muslim Hell just as he was being removed from a boiling pot of tar by the demon, Ixxhaxfoqqhuxxh.
“Gaaaaaaahhhhhh! Oh, that’s much better. Whew, I’m glad you showed up. I really, really needed a break. I mean it never ends around here. If your not being boiled in tar, you’re being smashed with spiked hammers. Burned in fire, eaten by slime-rats. It. Just. Never. Ends.”
How do you feel about being separated from your two amigos? How does it make you feel to know that they went to Paradise, while you-?
“Well, that really burns me up! I…..heh….burns. Uh, I mean I am outraged! This isn’t how it’s supposed to work. I mean, how does this happen? Surely, Allah could come up with a better system than this. I mean, here I am suffering in Hell. And the nads go to Paradise? How does that happen?”
“Oh, I don’t know….Maybe cause they went first. You know, got incinerated first. Cause, let me tell you, I working over time trying to put that fire out. If you get my drift…..
“What I mean is, I was peeing like a race horse….You think maybe that’s it? That’s awfully unfair….I mean, you set a guy on fire. You know, surprise a guy like that, then expect him to do nothing about it? it’s not like I wasn’t down with the jihad….Totally unfair….
“Of course, there were those three goats I….uhhhh, met. And the chicken…. But in that case, Brain should being here cause it was all his idea. It’s so unfair….and I’m so lonely….(cries)
“Bright side…gotta look at the bright side. Maybe Umar’ll get another chance to blow himself up. Maybe other body parts will join me. Like Bungy.”
“You know, lives around the corner. He’s awfully……accommodating. Yeah… Oops, looks like I gotta go.”
Any last thoughts?
“Well, I’d like to take this opportunity to humbly appeal to the most merciful, al- what’s with the bun? No….no…..not relish! Not the Spicy mustard!!! NOT!!! THE!!! SPICY!!!!! MUSTARD!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhh!”
And so we left Mr Mutallab’s penis to his appointment with Jaghqoqkhli, the Insatiable and made our way to Paradise, where we had quite a shocking surprise.
As Farina the Most Beautiful, Abdul Mutallab’s right testicle’s head houri told us:
“Righty’s disappeared. And Lefty….well, he never showed up.”
Never showed up?
“Yeah, he just…I don’t know. Never showed up. We looked all overthe seven heavens and nothing. Righty was just inconsolable.”
I can imagine.
“Well, sure…but I mean how do you think it was for us girls? 72 virgins at the beck and call of a testicle? And a crying testicle at that! Have you ever spent time with a crying testicle?”
I can’t say I have.
“It’s no fun. Let me tell you. No fun at all. Of course, we’re houris. It’s our job to pleasure a man….Say! You’re kind of cute……mmmmm…..”
Thank you……that’s really nice……..uhhhm, you were saying?
“Oh well, anyway so we try to distract him the best we can. Play games with him. Marbles. Jacks. That kind of thing. But Righty’s still whining about his little brother Lefty. Like I say inconsolable.
“I ask you, what’s a girl to do? So, Fatima over there whips up a big ole pot of spaghetti and meatballs. You know, comfort food for us girls. Cause, well to be frank, we’ve got nothing to do. We’re bored….Hey, why don’t you stay and eat lunch with us?”
It does smell delicious….
“Hey, this is Paradise. Best food you ever eaten. Other things are the best too. …..mmmmm…..oooh, anyway right after the spaghetti and meatballs. We noticed Righty’s gone. He disappeared.”
You don’t think….
“Yeah, probably. We were all pretty hungry. He probably just got caught up in the general feeding frenzy. We houris love us some spaghetti and meatballs.
“So, we thought about strainers.”
“And, well, look!”
Then Farina turned around to show me the most beautiful, round, shapely, perfectly formed-
“Notice anything missing?”
“This is Paradise. There’s no pooping in Paradise. So, that’s pretty much it….. Poor Righty. Maybe he’s gone to a better place now…though I can’t really imagine what…..Hey, why don’t stick around a meet the rest of the girls? You know here in Paradise a year is like a minute on Earth.
“Oh yeah, totally different time scale….So?…….
A few celestial millenia later I caught up with Abdul Mutallab for an exclusive interview from his maximum security prison cell.
We asked him Mr Mutallab about his future and his after-life plans given the current circumstances.
The distraught Abdul Mutallab told us:
“Obviously, I was planning on going to Paradise. But now….I mean, sure I’d like Stiffy back. Of course! But, I don’t want to go to Hell just to….
“It’s so unfair! I should’ve been a jihad superstar in Paradise! Now….Stiffy’s in Hell. Righty’s gone. And poor little Lefty, I guess I loved him best of all…poor Lefty’s gone missing….poor little fellow…(cries).
“They offered me a sex change, you know. It’s part of prisoner rights. Maybe I’ll do that…..yeah, I’ve always fancied being a girl! A nice pink frock. Big knockers…Victoria’s Secret bra and-
BREAKING NEWS: LEFTY’S BEEN FOUND!
We repeat. Lefty has been found!
In a surprising turn of events in a story that just keeps getting more and more bizarre, Mr Mutallab’s left testicle has been found.
naturalfake caught up with the Guardian of the Gate of Limbo for an exclusive interview.
Thank you Mr Guardian for allowing us to speak to you. Now, you’re sure that Lefty’s in Limbo.
“Oh yes, the little fellow rolled right in. Bold as you please.”
But, we’re not allowed to interview him?
“Well, you’re not allowed into Limbo. It requires a certain….innocence. Which you lack.”
But…but Lefty’s a Muslim testicle and this is a Catholic after-life…..uhhh, after-life….thingy. In fact, I believe the modern Church’s teaching is that Limbo doesn’t exist.
“Oh, Limbo exists alright. As you can see for yourself. And like I said, Limbo requires a certain innocence. Lefty’s a bit slow, not to put to fine a point on it. Developmentally disabled he is. Too much inbreeding in the Mutallab clan if you ask me. He’s just fine, right where he is.”
MORE BREAKING NEWS: President Obama is headed to the Vatican!
Immediately, after being informed of Abdul Mutallab’s failed terrorist attempt to destroy Flight (….), President Obama left for an emergency golf game where he scored an unprecedented 160 points! Good show, Mr President.
But now, apparently, the fact of a Muslim testicle spending eternity in a Roman Catholic after-life…..thingy has caused a world-wide crisis within the spiritual community.
President Obama in an effort to reach out to all religious parties in this crisis has convened a special emergency summit at the Vatican, where dignitaries of the Roman Catholic church, the islamic faith, and a Nigerian Animist Juju Man will all see if they can’t find a solution to Lefty’s unconventional after-life.
FURTHER BREAKING NEWS:
President Obama bows to Ghost of Adbul Mutallab’s Left Testicle!
During the special emergency conference held in a secret chamber at the Vatican, M’baka M’terrif, the Animist Juju Man was able to raise the spirit of Abdul Mutallab’s deceased left testicle.
While other leaders greeted to the ghost of the child-like gonad in an age appropriate manner, President Obama greeted the ghost-nad with a deep, formal bow.
The testicle is reported to have said, “Funny baby!” and disappeared.
There are said to be both pictures and videos of the President bowing to testicle.
Stay tuned for more on this fast breaking story!
LEFTY, WE HARDLY KNEW YE!: Is said to be President Obama’s plaintive cry in an update by commenter “ally”.